Begging to be Led

 By Kelly Pınar Goodwin

As a child I supposed

that making decisions

freed and empowered parents.

But now power comes to me,

Begging like a child to be led.

Choose: true or false

Choose: a, b, or c

Choose: on a scale of 1 to 5.

Panic overtakes me.

My dilemma is 3.5, 1.62

The answer is g, or a and b.

The statement is true

…but sometimes false.

Some see yes or no.

Up or down.

Black or white.

I see gray.

Beautiful, ambiguous, mysterious gray.

A confounding spectrum all its own.

Gray that is brown,

Gray that is shadow,

Angry gray,

Sleepy gray, curled up on a couch.

Beautiful enough to lose myself in.

Frustrating enough to cry.

Every tick of the clock counts a drop of sweat.

This will leave a mark on my life.

This will be irreversible.

So it can wait until next week.

Or until tomorrow.

Til the morning.

Til… it is time.

For a moment the decision

is clear, luminous, brilliant.

Not because the way is clear,

But because it is determined.

I sigh, my forehead wet.

To savor the moment is to recall the pain.

So I forget.

I gaze at my now-clear future,

but darkness apprehends me.

The moment of tranquility is lost

in the looming shadow

of power begging to be led.

*

Kelly Pınar grew up as an expat in Turkey, leading to a life-long fascination with all things cultural. When she is not teaching on intercultural intelligence, reading, or writing, she loves to explore beautiful new places with her family.

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